Pressing On

 

 

Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-14

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

People keep asking me how we are doing. Honestly, the kids are doing great. I am the one who is struggling. Struggling physically with a virus, struggling emotionally with little down time, and struggling spiritually, wanting to be strong and joyful, but daily faced with weakness. Yet, as I look at Scripture, struggling spiritually is not necessarily a bad thing. I fall into the hands of merciful God as helplessly as I fall into my bed at night. I toss my bad attitudes up with prayers of sparks like David did, baring his soul. Wishing I were better, knowing that I am not.

I don't enjoy feeling helpless. I like to feel together and strong, and yet I sense God's purpose in this season of exhaustion and need. I would like instantaneous joy and healing, not walking through a humbling process day after day. I have been somewhat shocked to see what my heart is truly like under pressure....not at all pretty. I see myself more clearly as a sinner in desperate need of grace than a good church girl.

Joanna Weaver writes in her book Having a Mary Spirit (the sequel to Having a Mary Heart) about "altaring" her ego. She shares what she learned from Brother Lawrence who met each day's tasks with:

"Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me." And when he failed, he acknowledged "I shall never do otherwise if you leave me to myself; it is You who must hinder my falling and mend what is amiss."

I would like to be able to grow to this place of complete dependence on God for even my own "good" behavior. She calls it "looking to Christ rather than to one's own character for strength."

I have never been a fast runner. It seems that I now understand that I am not much of a sprinter spiritually either. God has me plodding along at a pace that I can handle. I won't win any medals, but I trust that He will bring me to the finish line in His perfect time.

"I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6