These things I call to mind: 10 moments worth remembering. I pause at the end of the day to savor the good and not dwell on that which wants to consume me. I redirect my thoughts.
1. Being able to share the company and hope of other Christ-believing women as we discussed Nehemiah this morning.
2. Laughing at my friend's slightly irreverent yet truthful t-shirt.
3. Watching my son pull the herbie-curbie out next to the pile of recycling...on his ripstick. Noticing a zinnia that hadn't been there the day before. For 30 seconds taking in a rosy evening sky.
4. Knowing that my husband took care of the van's brakes and ordered a new rear-windshield wiper. His love language is acts of service, so I can now translate this into a gesture of love. I never would have gotten around to attending to replacing that part. Couldn't muster up the energy or brain-power to look after that too.
5. Knowing that God placed me in a certain Bible Study to cross paths with several neat blogging women with similar hearts. Being able to begin to share our adoption journey with someone just beginning the paper trail. Being able to pray for two women in this morning's study who have hearts for adoption and knowing that God will honor their desire to honor Him in His time.
6. Seeing the neighbor kids perfectly content to hang out at our house, sit on our couch, and play wildly with our kids. Having to send everybody home in the evenings as they would be happy to stay. Reminding myself that we prayed for this as the noise level reaches all-time heights.
7. Sitting on the back porch with my preteen after school and hearing how awful her day was...just being able to listen, and that she would want to tell me about it.
8. Asking the same daughter for forgiveness later when I went off on her for going off on a sister. Nothing makes me crazier than my kids being mean to one another. Knowing that forgiveness was granted and that there is room for grace for parents too when my mom-crazy attacks like a bear.
9. Discovering that we still had pancakes in the freezer when the Williams Sonoma peanut soup that the girls started was actually a 7 hour crockpot recipe and wouldn't be finished until tomorrow.
10. Receiving a bag of boy clothes handed down from a friend. Marveling at the concrete ways God loves me when I feel so far from happy days of long restful conversations with Jesus. A pumpkin bread. A bag of clothes. A single zinnia in the yard.
I long for the days of silence and solitude, where being in God's presence and feeling joyful are easy. Today is busy love. Today is loving the one in front of my nose instead of being able to go or give or volunteer or help. Today is walking in humility wishing I were more on top of things and had more to give. Today is resting in grace for all that I cannot give.
I found this quote from Jen Hatmaker's blog so helpful for this stage.
"This is not the time for feelings" by Melissa Fay Greene on the first year of adoption.
"Put Feelings on a back-burner. This is not the time for Feelings. If you could express your feelings right now, you’d be saying things like, “Oh my God, I must have lost my mind to think that I can handle this, to think that I wanted a child like this. I’ll never manage to raise this child; I’m way way way way over my head. I’ll never spend time with my spouse or friends again; my older children are going to waste away in profound neglect; my career is finished. I am completely and utterly trapped.” You see? What’s the point of expressing all that right now? Put Feelings in the deep freeze. Live a material life instead: wake, dress, eat, walk. Let your hands and words mother the new child, don’t pause to look back, to reflect, or to experience emotions. “Shut up, Emotions,” you’ll say. “I’ll check back with you in six months to see if you’ve pulled yourselves together. But no whining meanwhile!”
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