Motherhood Perspective

My friend Megan stopped me in the hallway at church on Sunday morning to offer encouragement after reading my weepy blog posts. My automatic response? More tears. A Bible study leader had written earlier in the week to say that she had me on her heart... More tears. I walk around the house numb at night trying to feel anything. Trying to think clear thoughts....barely able to function past a certain hour. I even spent time curled up in the corner of my laundry room floor in the dark when A was away again traveling, just listening to the thump of the clothes in the dryer. The repetitive noise was comforting that life was moving forward, even if I couldn't do one more thing that day, when I had given all that I had to give.

Megan drew the illustration of how comatose you are when you have a newborn and you are up multiple times a night attending to your child's needs. You feel as if your life is over and that it will never be the same again. But then, a year later, when the dust has settled, you barely remember how exhausted and overwhelmed you were. It's all a blur. I think that's the only way we are convinced to consider having a second child, by the gift of forgetting the automaton experience.

I have birthed three babies and have walked through this cycle three times before. Each time it has been demanding. Each time, I have mothered and met needs in love and faithfulness (but not joy). I know that joy will come in the morning, but right now it is night. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am tired of crying every night. I am tired of feeling spent and grouchy. I love my family. I want to be a cheerful Mary Poppins Mom instead of dumpy grumpy hag-wife. I'm angry at bureaucracy. I'm mad at God for not making this easier, although I realize from the lives of Jesus, Paul, Job, Jeremiah, etc. that obedience is not a cakewalk.

You don't ever ask a sleep deprived new Mom how she is loving life. She is just trying to survive. She will whip out the camera and show you all the joyful moments another time...and in time, all those moments in-between the pictures will fade.