You may remember that I left the iPad my husband gave me in a hotel room a few weeks ago. We did everything possible to track it down with no success. Calls were even made to the owner of the hotel that a family member happened to know. 'Twas lost.
My husband has ordered another iPad for me. Instead of being joyously happy and appropriately thankful, I felt ashamed. What he freely offered again, as a gift, I had a hard time accepting. I didn't want to be the girl who lost the expensive gift. I wanted to be the girl who generally has it together and is RESPONSIBLE.
I realized that this reaction says something about my character development that is still in need of developing. I don't like being the one who makes mistakes. I have a somewhat inflated sense of self that has a hard time accepting grace extended to me. Not Grace with a capital G. I'm fully aware of being a sinner who needs Jesus's gift of eternal redemption. It's everyday here and now grace that I struggle with. Perfectionism clubs me with shame whenever I make a mistake.
The interesting thing is that I can extend to others what I am not yet able to extend to myself without considerable effort. Our oldest daughter dropped her i-touch on the tile floor and the screen cracked. She had it out of the protective case and knew the consequences of dropping it would mean that she would be responsible for the repairs. When we got an estimate on the cost of the repair job, it would have wiped out her savings, and so she tearfully chose not to have it repaired. Then came Easter. In her basket, behind the Ikea Swedish chocolate bunny was an envelope with this message: "Your debt has been paid. I love you, Jesus"...and the newly restored i-touch inside. What gave me joy to extend, as Jesus has done for me, is hard for me to extend to myself.
I'm 40 years old and still not sure why I am this way. It wasn't my parents' fault. They cheered for me and encouraged me in whatever I tried. My teachers applauded my accomplishments and gave me awards and scholarships. No one ever said, "You're not allow to screw up." And yet, somehow an internal voice, one not of God, impressed upon me that unwritten code... A law that binds. "You're not allowed to carry around ten extra pounds. You're not allowed to have a messy house. You're not allowed to have kids that are mean to one another and say hateful things in conflict. You're not allowed to be a slacker. You're not allowed to make careless mistakes." While on one level these thoughts can be helpful goals of life to attempt to follow, pursuing excellence, on the other hand, they can flare up out of control as perfectionism if improperly perceived as rules. If my kids are mean to one another then that makes me a bad mother. If the laundry is not done, then I don't need to be sitting down enjoying a good book. If I lose something, then I don't deserve another luxury item while millions of people don't even have clean water to drink, much less the latest electronics.
Perfectionism.
It saddens me a little to see all three of our children struggle with the same internal battle at a young age. As much as we strive to parent with grace, all three have shown this same tendancy to be hyper-critical of themselves in some areas. I've watched all three at various times, as young as the age of three, crumple drawings in anger and hurl them across the room because they weren't satisfied with their results. I've seen outright temper tantrums on sports performances that were less than desirable. All the pep talks in the world can't convince a child who is angry with self that it's ok to not be a winner some days. Because not winning seems to make one not a winner.
The thing that most alarmed me was our firstborn child who over-reacted when she made an A-. When I saw her disappointment and the blaming of other things out of her control, I questioned her, "Would God love you any less if you made a B? Would we love you any more if you had made an A+?" And although she could answer no to those questions, she softly mumbled..."but I couldn't forgive myself." It looks like we're all going to end up on the couch over this issue of perfection. But then I remember that there is grace for each one of us...even when we're trying so hard to do the right things, and we still fail, or just make mistakes. Face to face with our brokenness. We are not people who have it all together. We are not the "good girls and good guys". We are poor and needy in our dressed-up self-sufficient selves.
Grace is not just for eternity. Grace is for the here and now. It is God who draws us, and God who keeps us, and sustains us by His grace. When I am a terrible parent, God is still loving and keeping my kids, and giving me the desire to pray for His help and guidance. He reminds me in my shortcomings that He never intended me to try and parent on auto-pilot without His help. When I am selfish, it is God who is still working in our marriage and helping me seek reconciliation. Even when I lose an iPad in a hotel, it is God who didn't choose to send it back to me as I had hoped, but offered me another one...illustrating once again how much I need Him every hour, and how He loved to do even more than I can ask or imagine.
Our great God. You are truly amazing.
Michael Jordan on Failure Management
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